True Blue Aussie Spatchler

Use the spatchler to cook tucker in the outback

You can always trust an Aussie to get his priorities right at a barbie

ESSENTIAL USER NOTES

In no way to be mistaken for its crook cousin the Bastard Pommie spatula, the True Blue Aussie spatchler (which is the only utensil worthy of the name spatchler) is a corker of a thingo found in outback kitchens throughout the Aussie bush. "Down under, an Extreme Chef's Essential Utensil Kit's as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike," Ready, Steady, Chuck! 's Aussie correspondent, Queensland Pete, explains. "All the outback chef needs ta get his bush tucker ready is a machete and a spatchler."

After six months flat out like a lizard drinking, busy as a cat burying shit, Queensland Pete is finally done with all his yakka. "I learnt everythin' I know 'bout spatchlers from an old feller who's been delvin' into every bush he can find, by the name of May Rears," he says. "It was he who trained me up on how ta use me spatchler and he who showed me what good oil it was. When I first met him I'd come a gutser by bringin' a bloody pommie spatula along with me billies! When he saw it the bastard laughed so much he fair soaked his strides. 'Strewth! That's not a spatchler', he said. And cunning as a dunny rat, with a few swift chops of his machete he hand crafted one specially for me from a 1000 year old gum tree, and used the rest of the wood ta light the barbie."

Traditionally made from gumtree wood, shaving brush tree wood or larch, bonzer spatchlers are decorated with abbo art showing the origins of the world, the creatures of the bush, and the colours of the Aussie national flag. From swatting bities used to garnish soup, to digging the dunny or making camp cake, as a utensil the spatchler stands out like a shag on a rock. It's used to dig for water, to shade you from the sun, to scrape tar tart off the highway, as a cricket bat, as a sundial so you know when it's time to crack a tinnie, for spanking feral bears, and to rack off marauding mobs of cranky wombats. Some types of spatchler are even shaped so that when you throw them, they just come right back to you. Fair dinkum! And the largest spatchlers can be used as wobble boards so you can play Advance Australia Fair every time your Sheila has a go on your didgeridoo.

"All the outback chef needs ta get his bush tucker ready is a machete and a spatchler."
Use this utensil to make pretty much any Australian bush tucker dish

QUICK START GUIDE

DO:

  • always pack a spatchler with your billies when you're going walkabout;
  • use the spatchler for everything except hacking things. Hacking things is what a machete is for;
  • keep your spatchler handy in your truck cab, so you can scrape stuff off the tarmac whenever you see it for a handy snack or for cooking later. Watch out for other vehicles when you're in town as they're probly chasing tar tart too.

DON'T:

  • take any crap about Bastard Pommy spatulas because they're not a patch on the bonzer Aussie spatchler. They're as different as wombats and cricket bats;
  • forget your machete! You can kill a twenty foot croc with a spatchler but it's a hell of a lot quicker with a machete.
  • forget to celebrate Straya Day on January 26th. In fact, why not celebrate it all year round as well?

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