Viking Hand Axe

Use the Viking hand axe to chop things with. Obviously.

Take that, melon! Hacking melons is a classic example of use of the Viking hand axe in the kitchen

ESSENTIAL USER NOTES

In common with the sutekki-noriten, the Viking hand axe is an ancient cooking utensil that has come to more general use in the modern kitchen through the rediscovery of historical culinary practices through re-enchefment. Known to experienced chefs simply as the VHA, with its origins in both forestry and violent hand-to-hand combat, the Viking hand axe is equally effective at handling vegetables and meat in the kitchen.

The VHA performs different culinary functions depending on the way it is held.

Cutting: arguably the most frequent of its kitchen uses, the VHA has a sharp blade whose action is not so much cutting as chopping, macerating and hacking to pieces. As such, it can function as an alterative to a knife or pizza wheel, but it is not effective as a substitute for a bread knife or potato peeler, except where extremely rough slices of bread, or particularly odd-shaped potatoes, are specified in recipes.

Lifting & Separating: turn it 90° and the VHA performs admirably as a substitute fish slice, palette knife or even spatchler, although because of its offset centre of gravity it can sometimes be found a little awkward when serving slices of quiche at Viking banquets.

Crushing: reverse the VHA and the flat end of its head, or the wooden handle, can be used for crushing operations similar to those of a meat tenderiser or sutekki-noriten. Care should be taken doing this, however, as holding very sharp axe blades can sometimes lead to recipes becoming unintentionally contaminated with blood.

Other Uses: in the hands of particularly skilled chefs the VHA is used for fine cutting, such as that required to julienne vegetables, fruit, or certain breakfast cereals, and other delicate operations such as cake decoration. The VHA is also particularly effective at stopping small children running around in the kitchen and complaining about what they're going to get for dinner today.

Crush! Maim! Destroy! Reversing the hand axe enables it to be effectively used as a substitute for a meat tenderiser, as seen above during preparation of Me Mini Fish Cubes.
Use this utensil to make Odin's longship

QUICK START GUIDE

DO:

  • use the Viking hand axe as a substitute for any other cutting or crushing utensil, and, to a lesser extent, a fork or spoon;
  • use the Viking hand axe for re-enchefment activities;
  • use the Viking hand axe at any other time you find yourself in a kitchen dressed as a Viking;

DON'T:

  • use the Viking hand axe as a substitute for a turkey baster. This will just not work at all and if you try you will get very annoyed, which can lead to very bad consequences if you happen to have an axe in your hand;
  • hold the sharp blade of the Viking hand axe too firmly when reversing it for use in kitchen crushing operations, especially when preparing meals for vegetarians;
  • use the Viking hand axe as a substitute for a melon baller, unless you don't mind your melon balls not being ball-shaped.

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