Miracle Whip Stories

"Miracle Whip seems to come up everywhere. Though it's not always pleasant when it does" - Chef Al

World renowned pop artist Nicole Steen's work illustrates Miracle Whip's saucy qualities. Any time, Nicole. [with permission]

The Joy of Miracle Whip

WARNING: The following paragraphs have been scrutinised by Ready, Steady, Chuck! censors. Some may consider their content unsuitable for minors, people of sensitive disposition, or those with chronic Miracle Whip allergies.

Anyone who has had first hand (or, indeed, any other part of the body) experience of Miracle Whip will appreciate that it has properties superbly suited to particular specialist uses. Books have been written on the subject, apparently. Books with diagrams. Our own celebrity chef Olga is, at this very moment, considering branching out into this field with a genre-crossing self-help manual entitled Why Just Baste The Turkey With Miracle Whip When You Can Smear It All Over?

The fact that there is widespread interest in the saucy stuff is only too evident. For example, there are far too many web sites for us to list that extol the virtues of Miracle Whip as a lubricant. Undeniably, in this respect it is eminently suitable as an alternative to blackcurrant jelly - better, in fact, because of its lower pectin content. However, and contrary to many expectations, scientists experimenting with Miracle Whip have concluded that it provides remarkably ineffective birth control. Staff at Ready, Steady, Chuck! headquarters strongly recommend that Miracle Whip should never be used in place of spermicidal gel, nor vice versa.

Miracle Whip never came into being with its contraceptive properties as a priority, though (at least, we hope not). Much better to use a condom. But if you want to get a bit of basting going and add some "zing" why not give Miracle Whip a try?*

Some more exciting images illustrating social uses of Miracle Whip can be found here (in Flickr), and almost certainly many other places on the Internet as well.

* that is, assuming you and your partner don't suffer from allergies, don't prefer using blackcurrant jelly, and are happy to take the risk that smearing mayonnaise substitute on your private parts won't have harmful long-term effects.

The Origins of Miracle Whip

Key ingredient: Miracle Whip Choc Ice and Potato Salad Surprise would just not be the same without Miracle Whip

Miracle Whip was invented at Max Crosset's Cafe, Salem, Illinois, USA. But it wasn't the dressing itself that was called Miracle Whip at that time. The Miracle Whip was the machine that Mr Crosset invented that whipped the dressing into shape. Instead, he chose the snappy and original brand name Max Crossett's X-tra Fine Salad Dressing for his product. We particularly like the use of the "X" in the name. Way ahead of his time. It was only when he sold his invention to Kraft Foods in 1931 that the dressing itself took on the name Miracle Whip. From these humble beginnings Miracle Whip has grown to become an icon of American culture of such standing that USA Today even provide an RSS Newsfeed for it.

One of the most important things to remember about Miracle Whip is that it is not mayonnaise. During the Great Depression, Kraft developed Miracle Whip as a dressing that was similar to mayonnaise, but cheaper, making it an instant success at the Chicago World's Fair in 1933. Interestingly, the catchy phrase "similar to mayonnaise, but cheaper" has never been used to advertise Miracle Whip, that is, as far as we are aware.

Although on this page we pay tribute to the many roles fulfilled by Miracle Whip, we would like to stress that it is intended that its primary use is as a food item. There is insufficient space available here to do more than scratch the surface of this topic. Recipes, commentary, and suggestions on cookery uses for Miracle Whip abound, ranging from banana bread, muffins and a whole range of salads to devilled eggs. It has a place in Polish cookery, barbecuing fish and basting turkey. There are discussion groups devoted to Miracle Whip cookery, and even whole books have been written on the subject.

Many more exciting facts about the origins of Miracle Whip can be found here (in Danish).

However, as discussed on this page, Miracle Whip is by no means whatsoever limited to use in food.

A Miracle of Modern Medicine

Oh no, he's washing with Miracle Whip again Head lice do not like Miracle Whip either. [Source: www.nitmix.com]

Much speculation exists concerning the health benefits of Miracle Whip, although relatively few of such claims have been substantiated by clinical testing. However, one particular claim that does appear to have been studied relatively intensely concerns the application of Miracle Whip as a treatment against head lice.

We are being perfectly serious.

Apparently you smear the Miracle Whip thickly into the affected area and leave it for about half an hour before washing it out. Presumably you would stay indoors. Anyway, it's supposed to loosen the head lice. Thirty minutes of exposure to Miracle Whip might seem extreme, but this is a serious issue. While Ready, Steady, Chuck! would recommend that you use shampoo, in our opinion there can be little doubt that such treatment would certainly make life very unpleasant for the little creatures. If you try this at home, make sure you wear appropriate protective apparel. There is quite a lot of debate as to whether Miracle Whip or mayonnaise is better. We know which we prefer.

Regardless of its effectiveness concerning personal hygiene use, staff at Ready, Steady, Chuck! headquarters seriously doubt there is any substance in the claim that 'a spoon full of Miracle Whip makes the medicine go down'. "In our opinion", a senior scientist elaborated, "while we agree that the addition of a lubricant such as Miracle Whip would certainly encourage the medicine to move, there is no guarantee that this would occur in a downward direction."

Many more handy facts about using Miracle Whip around the house, including cosmetic use, polishing furniture, getting chewing gum out of carpets, and removing scabs can be found here (in American English).

What the hell is that in my BLT? The Thing That Should Not Be: According to the Gastronomicon, Miracle Whip is a key component of the sacred ritual to release Great Cthulhu from his sleep in R'lyeh.

Cults of the Miracle

And the Lord said "Let there be Miracle Whip", and God proceeded to slather it on his BLT. And it was good. - from the bible (allegedly - or at least it says so here).

Many of our readers will not be aware of the many long-established religious traditions founded upon Miracle Whip. While this is perfectly understandable, as well as being rather doubtful, few would dare challenge the existence of the extreme religious fervour that invariably accompanies the fanatical Miracle Whip devotee. And the fact is that Miracle Whip cults have spread across the globe since the 1930s, extending as far as Venezuela, Denmark and Facebook.

Little is known of the secret rituals held in hidden places by cultists devoted to Miracle Whip worship. Rumours abound of ceremonies involving Miracle Whip anointment, orgies of salad dressing, and even rites of total immersion. What is certain is that such clandestine events would involve vast quantities of Miracle Whip, and would therefore have to be undertaken in locations where amassing hoards of the stuff is not going to draw undue attention. We can therefore feel fairly safe in the knowledge that such cults can scarcely survive in the UK where few underground Miracle Whip lakes are likely to exist.

But you never know.

More unlikely information concerning Miracle Whip and religion can be found here (in Draft).

Miracle Whip Conspiracies

Miracle Whip was only sold in the United Kingdom during a brief period from around January 2006 to April 2007. Doesn't it seem a bit too unfortunate to be the result of mere random coincidence, then, that we should be subject to a close encounter with Miracle Whip during the Ready, Steady, Chuck! 2006 Challenge? We were suspicious of this too, so we investigated further. And - surprise, surprise - it turns out that there are many suspicious "truths" about Miracle Whip out there. Out of a sense of public duty, we feel it only right to expose but one of them here.

Perhaps the most significant suspicious Miracle Whip "truth" out there is that Miracle Whip died in 2006! After this time it was apparently replaced by a substitute, masquerading as the original but, according to many correspondents, a pale shadow of its forebear. Is it not a bizarre coincidence that this happened during the time that Miracle Whip was being sold in the United Kingdom? We leave you to draw your own conclusions.

"Where are we going with this?", you may well ask. But we know that to reveal further details of this would jeopardise our situation, and the CIA, FBI, MI5, men in black, men in white coats, super-intelligent aliens from the planet Zog or possibly even people who work for Kraft Foods will surely make us disappear. We don't want that to happen, so for now we will keep quiet. But someday the truth will come out! Ha ha ha ha! You just wait and see! And in the meantime I'll just stay in this nice, safe, padded room...

Many more secret facts about Miracle Whip cannot be found (in any language).

Some more bizarre Miracle Whip facts

There's only so much space on the Internet, so we can't go into great detail here, but for your entertainment and education we have provided some more bizarre and random links to Miracle Whip-related web sites below.

Miracle Whip is a trade mark of Kraft Foods.