The Extreme Chef's Essential Utensil Kit

Extreme chefs never leave home without it Every utensil the extreme chef needs

Extreme chefs must be prepared for all eventualities

The Extreme Chef's Essential Utensil Kit

There are many occasions when a Ready, Steady, Chuck! chef must travel light, yet even in such circumstances must remain appropriately equipped to buy, invent, design and create, from random ingredients, a dish that will amaze and impress. This need ultimately led to the creation of a precision military pack known formally as EEUCK - Extreme Essential Utensils (Chefery) Kit.

Developed at a secret location in collaboration with staff from the Ministry of Defence, Ready, Steady, Chuck! food scientists and strategic assault chefs applied their combined knowledge and experience to the design and development of the EEUCK. "The basic principle was to make the contents of the kit as minimalist as possible", a military advisor described. "Avoidance of duplication of function amongst utensils was one of our highest priorities. For example, the extreme toaster proposals were dropped at a relatively early stage two years into the project."

Substantial research was put into the materials chosen for each of the component utensils, which needed not only to be robust under combat, but also to be able to survive the rigours of extreme random kitchen use. Each item was tested for its ability to withstand direct hits from high explosive armour piercing rounds, which was comparatively assessed against ingredient handling versatility.

The utensils finally selected covered all essential field chefery requirements, and were put to the final test during two weeks of exercises on Salisbury Plain. Under heavy fire, extreme chefs proved capable of expertly preparing challenging dishes with obvious military application, including curry biscuit, and a specially modified version of rocket to Jamaica with full ground-to-air capability. Following the success of this exercise, simulations of random supermarket shopping under heavy bombardment were carried out at secret locations across the country. This led to minor modification of the kit, in particular the size of the egg cup, before its final production.

The EEUCK is a major achievement of practical modern design, combining form and function to meet the high standards of excellence demanded. The rigorous testing that the kit has withstood firmly guarantees it a place within the arsenal of British military forces of the modern age.

Contents of the Kit

Extreme kitchen camouflage This Swiss roll comes in a variety of camouflage patterns

camo roll: hand-stitched in Zurich from fully EMP-proof and water-resistant Neo-Goretexite-lite, the EEUCK's handy-carry-case contains pockets for all of the extreme chef's utensils. Produced in a range of seven exciting camouflage patterns to match all environments and complement uniforms, this summer's must-have extreme cheffing accessory is described in military circles as "the ultimate Swiss roll".

money belt: concealed within the lining of the camo roll is a leather belt inset with six pound coins, usable in extreme shopping situations to purchase random ingredients in accordance with the official rules.

fish slice: constructed of 100% carbon/titanium alloy, the SAS's favoured fish slice is extremely light (11.3g), yet remains flexible under stress. Its razor-sharp edges ensure that it functions as a versatile kitchen knife and grater, as well as a handy entrenching tool when required.

waiter's friend: at a secret testing location in Slough the extreme waiter's friend was proved to be able to withstand close proximity to nuclear explosion and yet remain capable of opening both wine and beer bottles. Extreme chefs can now rest assured that those essential accompanying drinks can be properly prepared on the modern battlefield.

gobi scoop or melon baller: the final decision as to which of these utensils will be included in the EEUCK has yet to be made. While the melon baller has been generally accepted, certain traditionalists, particularly the Gurkha regiments, have expressed strong opinions that the gobi scoop is substantially more versatile. Whichever utensil is finally settled upon, its 100% poly-amido-tungsten exoskeleton will ensure that aloo gobi scooping and melon balling can both be undertaken with ease at temperatures ranging from 40 to -36°C.

egg cup: derived from space shuttle technology, $35,000,000 of research and development was diverted from the UK's aircraft carrier programme and put to good use designing the Kevlar-reinforced ceramic egg cup that lies at the heart of every EEUCK. With primary functions as a ladle, pastry cutter, saucepan, and small helmet, the egg cup is a vital component of the extreme chef's toolkit. Minor design modifications during supermarket testing were made so that it could also function effectively as a dice shaker.

dice: this pair of 18mm calibre precision kitchen dice are capable of generating random numbers from one to six as well as penetrating 10cm thick armour plating at 100m when thrown. Produced in non-fade colours, with high visibility glow-in-the-dark spots, the dice can be effectively used under heavy smoke bombardment or during night missions, an increasing need given 24-hour supermarket opening times.

zester: it goes without saying that it is vitally important that chefs operating in high pressure situations must always retain the capability of separating the zest and essential oils from lemons and limes. For this reason alone, a modern, all-terrain, citrus zester was developed for the EEUCK. With its rubberized polygrip handle and 10cm recurved tungsten blade, this zester is also a formidable hand-to-hand weapon, and all extreme chefs are therefore given special training in close-combat grating and lemon twisting.

sutekki-noriten: no piece of precision military hardware would be complete without its obligatory Japanese martial arts component. It was unanimously agreed that the traditional design of this essential extreme cheffing tool could not be improved upon, for crushing crisps or indeed any other of its many ancillary functions. In extreme situations, the sutekki-noriten can also be used to hit people on the head with.

Al: "No extreme chef should leave home without it."

DISCLAIMER: the extreme chef's essential utensil kit is designed to be used in conjunction with a fully equipped kitchen. Neither the kit, nor any of its components, is intended to replace all other items normally found there. Please use kitchen utensils carefully. Always read the instructions. Ready, Steady, Chuck! takes no liability for improper kitchen utensil usage, whether or not under battlefield conditions.

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