My Barque Is Worse Than My Bite

2014, Chef Marcus

INGREDIENTS:

• bananas
• blueberries
• Branston pickle
• vegetable flavour instant gravy granules
• Green King IPA

METHOD:

This dish is a celebration in food of the traditions of Ancient Egypt, and simulates the funeral barge of one of the Pharaohs, taking him down the Nile on the first part of his jouney to the afterlife. It is not actually intended that this dish would take anyone to the afterlife, but you might not appreciate that if you haven't tasted beer, gravy granules and Branston pickle in the same mouthful before now.

Carve a banana into a boat shape. Cut a cuboid out of another banana to form the superstructure of the boat, and assemble together. Tastefully arrange Branston pickle on either side of a plate, and smother with gravy granules. This will simulate the banks of the River Nile. Decant the IPA into a bowl and add the blueberries. Soak them for a few minutes to allow them to soften, then mash them up into the liquid.

To make the River Nile, pour the liquid carefully between the river banks. Float the banana boat in the liquid and serve.

The changing expressions of Chef Al when experiencing for the first time the combination of Branston pickle and gravy granules

Andrew: "I'm not going to eat much of that. I'm a lot more sensible than I look."

Alan: "Chef Marcus' work looks like used cat litter from an unwell cat, and illustrates the sculpting ability of a dead Pharaoh. "

Kath: "I've never gagged on Branston pickle before."