First, get organised! Arrange all the tools you're going to need neatly on the worktop, largest on the right, smallest on the left. Then do exactly the same with the ingredients. That should give you the confidence to begin.
Open the tin of water chestnuts and put them in a bowl, discarding the liquid they came in. Take four meatballs and put them on a plate. Finely dice the jelly. Pour some of the Pepsi into a pan and put it on the heat. As a reduction, this will make the sauce to accompany the dish. Slice four of the water chestnuts finely, and combine them together with the mince, jelly and a handful of blackberries. Gently work the mixture together and make six meat patties, one round and five oval, and set them aside for later. These will make up the 'head', 'torso', 'arms' and 'legs' of the Bangor Boy.
Taking a needle and thread, impale one whole water chestnut so that it can swing freely from one of the 'arms' of the Bangor Boy. This will be his 'yoyo'. Or possibly his 'conker'. We'll leave that to you to decide. The thread is simply there for decoration - it's not intended that anyone should eat it.
Put a pan on the heat and add the meat patties so that they start frying. When a little fat has melted into the pan from the patties, add four water chestnut. Fry all of this, turning regularly, until crispy and golden brown on the outside. While that's cooking, carefully fold the ham to make a 'satchel' for the Bangor Boy's other 'arm'. If the 'satchel' is reluctant to hold itself together, use a little more cotton and tie it firmly in place. Again, it's more about the visual impression than the taste.
All that remains is to arrange all the pieces nicely on the plate. The meat patties form the body, water chestnuts the feet, a 'satchel' on his left and a 'yoyo' on his right. Finally, take a few blackberries and arrange them to humorously represent his unruly hair. And there you have it - he's all set for a day at school! Drizzle the reduced Pepsi over the top to taste.
Andrew: "I don't need balls - I mean, I don't knead balls..."
Al: "You've got your brain on shuffle again, haven't you"
Innocent Passer-By: "That, I believe, is what a blackberry would have looked like if it came out of the cow naturally"